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I left my planner in my class today. I have a feeling that it's either lost or stolen.

Mental reminder as I write down the things over and over again.

All for a Reason

It's so hard when the walls are crumbling down, and things start dripping from the very top. It's inevitable that pain, hurt, sadness will creep along, tag along for a while. And right now I cannot say more, but to express the pain inflicted from the heart due to all the emotions whirling in my head and my heart.  

It takes as long to grow out of love, as much from growing into love. From the intimacy of understandings, emotions, physicality to many more, it's not easy to forcefully detach or separate yourself from what you've had and shared. And to feel absolutely fine right away is surely impossible or difficult. But it's definitely something that has to be done and to be dealt with.


This trip/portion of my life has been really something, and I realize now for sure that it happened all for a reason from God. At first, the whole fact that everything came to a sudden conclusion by God was shocking itself and it all went up to my head, not having enough time to really think. 
It really made me so upset, sad, felt that God was being so unfair, and just made me want to be more selfish than ever by thinking that make improvements would really solve things as I would pursue what I want. The thoughts are still lingering that maybe the sacrifice isn't necessary nor needed.


But the situation opened different perspectives. It started from the part of opening up to people to learning to understand the will/plan of God. I'm not the one who would freely come out of the closet to share what's going on in my mind straight up, clearly, and all out. I decided to step out to speak my mind as the opportunity has been provided, I was able to grow more depth of the friendship that I have with my friend. It gave me another realization that there is so much more than just knowing of the friend, but really know them through genuine and open conversations. And I was able to take a step into it by sharing of current, past situations, troubleshoots, or simple discussions. So much encouragement from a friend you can get, especially from God. It was also an opportunity of seeing a new, or more likely a side of the friend that I never really thought about. It's surely another blessing to notice that a friendship can be much more meaningful rather than the shallowness that we start off from.


The talk I had with my friend surely helped me see the bright side of my life, God. What God initially planned for me, where or how he wants to use me or just to show me that this happened for a reason and it's a given opportunity. All these ideas do make sense and it's how my life should be seen as rather than trying to vision it to satisfy and to meet expectations for my life. I believe that it's always uncertain in our eyes of God's absolute will and it only leads us to trust him to remain faithful. 


There are possibilities why God has brought this to me. He is using this opportunity to really allow me to embrace a better fellowship and relationship with my brother/sister in Christ. It is true that if we come to think that we've really never spent time or talked with our fellow brother/sister in Christ before we discover interest. Perhaps we still can be supportive and accountable in Christ, and not letting it fall apart to nowhere, showing bad examples to ones around us. It is true that personal relationships aren't the only way to support each other. There is so much more of what God can establish. 


It is also an awakening of our instability of our relationship with God, that many Christians are just not ready for a relationship amongst ourselves before having a firm one with God. To see how much God can be jealous when we do put more idols before him. It is true that what we find satisfaction can take over God's position and we start to need it. It is so clear to me now that a lot of us are not quite ready for relationships if we really deeply think into it.


Through so much pain, breaking me down and more, God has really shown me of who I am. It was a time where I was able to look back at myself and evaluate who I am and see the things I need to change. You don't realize or get a sense of who you really are unless you are the outsider looking in. It is hard to trying to look in when you are already inside and get a full sense. But when there is someone who walks or accompany you, and the observations reveal and speak of who you are. 


I didn't notice as much of how I take so much pride because it was so silent. But really seeing of how much I cannot accept my own mistakes, do not like admitting faults, try to cover my faults to make myself seem perfect, and always want to be perceived perfect in people's eyes to satisfy them and to feel satisfied from their acceptance showed me that this is all because of my pride. I just couldn't accept myself that I'm like others, humans that make mistakes all the time and it's okay because it's absolutely normal and God accepts it all. It was a hard concept of me to accept, but having things occur because of it or hearing about it was a new perspective of who I am. 


And if I am like this to people, I'm pretty sure pride takes over places where God can/should. 
It was an eye opener from God, and the need of change will occur soon and through God. I'm hoping for the best that I will able to take initiative, not stay passive about it and seek God for change. The change will be beneficial for the future as well. 


It does help me when I try to see it in God's perspective. Knowing that God is putting me through this for the better of me. He only knows who will walk in that ally at a church and he will provide the perfect one for me. Having hopes that God does listen to us and give what's the best, who knows if it will be the people from my past, now, ones I still have yet to meet, or even maybe people I've already walked in relationships with. I think it's more important to have hopes in God than people, a lot of hopes that I can trust God in all things. 


For now, I can't lie to myself that it's hard. I didn't know that it's so difficult to detach myself, or get use to the fact that I'm one whole now by being on my own. As stupid and silly as it sounds, it hits me the most in the morning as I wake up. Before it used to interfere a lot with my daily activities and such. But I'm trying my best to distract myself by keeping myself really busy to not think about it. It is so inevitable that practically everything reminds me of memories and can get drawn in to it. I'll probably be tad bit out of it a lot of times, but time and space will make it better soon enough. I think I'll be alright soon, sooner than I think. I'll have to see.

"걱정 안하면서 
마음 편하게 살자"


이렇게 살고 싶은 마음은
굴뚝같이 높은데 
실천이 항상 뒷 쳐져서
너무 싫어-

How Can I Keep from Singing...

How can I keep from singing Your praise

How can I ever say enough

How amazing is Your love

How can I keep from shouting Your name

I know I am loved by the King

And it makes my heart want to sing

A lot of days and nights have been all about me, me, and more about me. Talking and complaining about how my current life is so stressful due to school and things in relation to people. What happened to listening to God portion...?


I feel that throughout my weeks, it was so focused on me and about my stresses. And it would always end up being ranting it on God and leaning towards him for help and comfort. God did speak that when I was troubled, he is my shelter and I'll find my security in his presence. But I think many times I took it the wrong way, and sought for the the other portion instead of seeking his presence first. I was so selfish of seeking of what I needed first that I unconsciously ignored the priority of God. 


I think I lacked so much of acknowledging God. Even in the end when I felt better and persevered through the hardships, it's so easy to say thank you and be done with it. I was reminded today again of this amazing God we have and had a heart where I felt bad for taking God in advantage in recent days. 


Where was my mind or my eyes when God pushed me through situations? What am I thinking as I live my everyday knowing that I am going to end up in the best place to be very soon? It's so easy to forget everyday when I'm going through my day that it's another step closer to joining God in heaven. It really brightens my days when I think about my life that way. It's like so great knowing that God is waiting for me with his arms open at the entrance. The life I have right now is only a stepping stone towards God anyways. It's so ridiculous of myself to find that sometimes I take so much value in things in my life over God. He has given me this gift of life for a purpose, and God's value of my life is something I have to take consideration all the time.


There are so many things that I can acknowledge God for. And once it starts with singing praises for him, it's really joyous that it's quite hard to stop. It's what God deserves, and he likes, so I shall continue to give my every effort (:

힘들다 -

Incomplete

Yum, cookies! When was the last time that I baked....? A week ago. Or should I ask, when was the last time I wrote a blog post? I believe almost a month ago. Has school been keeping me too busy that I don't have enough time to write? Hmm...

I was trying to write a new post, and I accidentally clicked on the "edit post" button. And what do I see? A whole list of drafts that I never posted but were saved automatically. I even have drafts from 2007. Now that's a record. I got to read all of them, and saw that they were my old writings at the past moments. I realized that they can't be posted because it just won't be the same if I tried finishing it now. Now they are just hanging by in my list of saved drafts as glimpses of my past. 

Some of them are those embarrassing writings like my old posts, of my silly and so-consumed-by-emotion writings. The other ones are just rants and complaints about life situations. Same old same old writings, but I don't want to delete them for some reason. Perhaps I just want it for the memory sake. 

Maybe one day I will just make a one long post with all the bits and pieces of the drafts put together. Now that's something interesting to read about. It's going to be episodes of flashbacks one after the other. I think I'll do that soon (: It doesn't sound too bad. I feel like pasts don't matter anymore because I'm not the same, and it was just a process of how it came to shape me now.

But for now, I should get back to my life of 3D model building, and give my bangs a cut soon.
Gahhhhh! ><

August 30th.

I like to borrow pictures from Flikr (:

Today was the first day of school/classes of Fall 1O. On the move-in day, I was so upset to be back at school, or more like being back in South California in general. I guess my emotions got the best of me, feeling so upset that I wanted to disagree with moving on in life. 

Coincidentally, or more like obviously my birthday happened to lay on the same day as the first day of school. As people might know already, I don't like making my birthday as a big deal or celebrating it like as if it was so special. I think it's generally due to my dislikes of being the center of attention, having the whole crowed just so focused on me feels so odd and uncomfortable in a sense. I also have a guess at myself that I don't like celebrating my birthday as much is because I really never do for the majority of the time. It always clashed with school timing, or I ended up moving so often (homes, schools, countries). So I think I took it as a 'not much of a big deal' because I never received it as one. But that doesn't mean that I'm lacking attention or craving for that extra attention for birthdays. I'm totally fine and cool about it. And I think that it's just better now to celebrate it small and quiet because that's how I like it now. Hm, now that I look back, I'm wondering if this is what I built up as my defense mechanism...

Regardless of my own observations, I think God was truly showing and expressing his love through the people around me. Whether it'd be from a simple phone call, a beautiful drawing, heart-filled writings, or gifts, they all mean something. I didn't want anything or expected anything to occur, but I'm assuming that God still expresses his love somehow to me. I did feel it and I'm thankful of it. But I didn't feel like I deserved it. I don't know.

There is so much unstableness inside. Is it because of the start of school-ing? The stress and dissatisfaction of the outcome of my expectation/plans? I don't know. But I feel like I'm heading back down the road instead of the other way. I was afraid that something like this would happen through another transition/change. Why can't things just go along the same routine to be simple? I fail from straying away from fear. And I do know that this time, I wasn't dealing it as I have done in the last situation. I'm quite disappointed in myself. I'm actually disappointed in myself for a lot of reasons recently. So many things going through my head, it's getting annoying and I am absolutely being affected by it.

God has been speaking and is speaking to me now. I can see it, but I think I'm assuring myself that I can come back soon and listen. I'm lagging on it. Ugh. Right now, I do know that God is my priority, he comes first before anything else. I should pay attention to him before I see the world with my eyes again. But right now, that mindset isn't really clicking and helping me to focus regardless. It's a lot more frustrating when I see it, but my heart isn't following it because of what my mind is going through. This is so frustrating. And nothing has made anything better, nor my actions towards others.

Lemon?

"When life gives you a lemon, make a lemonade out of it"

Lemons are piling up so quick. I'm suppose to make lemonades out of them, but it goes straight to just eating it without processing it first. Yuck.


So what -


"Smile, people are watching"

Rain

I haven't heard rainfall in a while. Sounded so refreshing, and the great part of it was that beauty can still be found in the darkness. Beauty of nature is surely impossible to ignore. It was raining for few minutes in Tahoe at such great timing. And it was a time of appreciating all perspectives of rain, especially after the hot days at Tahoe.

Time brings wonders to many things. Why do things occur. Why are things shaped in such ways. Why do certain things have to function this or that way. Why are some things in life are inevitable? There are so many Why questions that pops into one's head. And at times, we wish that the rain would just simply wash it all away, leaving no specs behind. 

Time Is Ticking

August 8th, 2O1O. If I get technical and more in detail, then I should say that it is actually the 9th right now. But, that's not the point I'm trying to make. Or it 'could' be if I tried. More or less, I'm writing about time, so it does relate in someways. Whether it'd be the 8th, or actually the 9th, it still shows that the world doesn't have time to stop and wait for us in time. Time is on a continuous run, never stopping. Time is such an interesting concept, which is also known as the 4th dimensional world.

Since when did I come across the month of August already? This happened so quick and random in my opinion. Last thing I remembered was that I was dying from boredom in the beginning of June, but here I am now, complaining that my break wasn't long enough. 

I assume that majority of my time was pushed around by summer school, day camp, and church. Waking up at 6:30 every Monday to Wednesday for the 7:30 am class was quite crazy. I didn't know that I was still capable of doing that during the summer. Well, summer school homeworks and assignments wasn't as rushed or dense as I thought it'd be. It wasn't too crazy or stressful while at it. I'm actually glad that I enrolled it during summer, being all productive. 

Thursdays and Fridays were spent helping out at the Day Camp. I have been volunteering there every summer for three years now. Quite surprising to see how long it has been. What brings more surprise is when I get to see the kids from previous years to come back this year and see how much they have grown throughout the year. And it's always so much fun to enjoy my time with the new cute kiddiess! (: Oh, the David quadruplets! I adore them all! David Kim, David Jung, David Seo, and David Choi. David is such a popular Korean name eh? But out of all, David Seo is my absolute favourite (: I hope to see you guys again next year my kiddies!

Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sundays, I placed myself at church. Prayer services, Thank God It's Friday service & Fellowship, Praise team practice and LIGHT & UIC worship. It really does take a lot of effort and time to serve at God's house. I am glad that I had the privilege to serve throughout the summer though. Within this short amount of time, God has blessed me, shaped me, and disciplined me through things I wouldn't have imagined it to be. I have to say, it was enjoyable to serve at church, and being a helpful hand (I hope I was helpful..?). 

Things I have done throughout the summer might seem repetitive and mundane,but it really wasn't in my opinion. However, I think that it has yet to be the best/quite blessed summer I've ever spent. (: making my time so enjoyable was one of the big highlights of the summer, I have to say. *thanks ;)* 

Again, reality strikes us again when we are so close to approaching what is near. Or maybe it's just me, where I slowly open my eyes to reality, which stinks sometimes. An email from school, information regarding the move-in day for the dormitory came like a week ago. Dad frequently came to me asking me when exactly is my move-in day is because he needs to take days off work and book the hotel. And to confirm the whole realization, Pastor David and I talking about how I finally settled in back from college and now I have to move down in less than 20 days. BAM. That woke me up. It got me all thinking about the whole summer break. looking back at the great memories and thinking that I have to leave it and move on to another unpredictable year of college is quite frightening, or more like being sad. Transitions and more transitions, especially dealing with great transition from north to south really does impact quite a bit. It's almost like hopping from one world to another. It's so hard to make one connection. I'm just so sad that I'm leaving again, especially to deal with missing a great deal of certain things drives me insane sometimes (to be honest). But, it's not that I dislike going back down, because I do want to see my friends and enjoy being independent again. Such a silly intrapersonal dilemma, but for now, current status defeats what is expected ahead. 

Wow. I might be just crazy, but as I was thinking, I thought that sometimes sleeping can be quite a waste of time. Pretty random thought. 

I am quite over my head right now... probably. 

So I guess I shall stop here. 

Early in the Morning.

It's 5:00 AM in the morning. What am I doing still up after sleeping for 2 hours the day before? Why am I doing such thing that I would usually do back in Long Beach? Hm, it's not necessarily called procrastinating because there isn't anything due for tomorrow besides just being prepared for my interview and final debate. 

Yes, I did only sleep for 2 hours last night because I was procrastinating then, and couldn't fall asleep for a long time due to the fact that I was being a bit paranoid by this huge spider we saw earlier in the day. But, that doesn't mean that I'm sleep deprived for today again. Well, I guess I am somewhat deprived. I happened to fall asleep around 1 AM and ended up waking up at 3:30 in the morning. It's nice that I actually woke up so that I can review my materials for tomorrow. The surprising part of this is that I'm actually awake and not tired. It's kind of odd, but I'll just take it as it is for now. 

That stop sign(French stop sign from Montreal!) should be my reminder of stop procrastination in the future. So that I'll be able to sleep and function properly throughout my days with enough rest. I know for myself that I work so much better under pressure, and I still am capable and always complete the assignments on time even through procrastination. But, I guess procrastination isn't the best quality to have as a person. 

I don't feel like going back to sleep again right now even though I'm finished with everything...

Why??

Thoughts Due to Passiveness

What good is it when I feel quite "up-to-my head" today. And only to think of my thoughts, get lost in them, and find myself being dissatisfied or upset at them. Being too passive? Lack of expression? Perhaps. I can't deny the fact though.

Let me just simply state this. I felt quite crappy today. No lie. I didn't think of it as much throughout the day, but it came to conclusion at night due to thoughts exploring my head. Do I feel like crap because I've been thinking about junk? or was I just being crap overall? I don't know. I wished I didn't have to figure this out though. But for now, let me just splurge every little pieces that just stirred me up today. Okay. Let me splurge it ALL out in honest condition. I feel so freaken stressed right now. For what? I don't know. For no reason? Most likely not. Just so mentally and emotionally stressed. Crap. It's like at that point up to where my emotions would trickle down. Why am I so stupid.

Sometimes I hate how much I'm such a people pleaser. I feel like I take other people's concerns and pointings directed to me, of how I've been doing something wrong. I think I basically take these concerns and hypnotize myself that I'm wrong. I've really pondered about it today. Everytime people complain about me, I simply correct myself and do what they expected me to be or atleast I try my best to be one without/least complaints. I've realized how much this thought has piled up on me. I do so much to please them, yet they are still not satisfied. I feel like I'm pouring everything towards one way, but I am not getting anything in return. It's not a negotiation, but rather, "You are right, I'm wrong. Let me fix my thoughts about it so that you can be happy again". 

I think that I'm more upset at the fact that when people don't understand as they point out the wrongs of others, they don't bother or take the least consideration of the other's position. They cannot see that they are also being impatient and inconsiderate of others as they are stating their arguments. And they are only emphasizing their opinions, believing that they are right so that they can get everything their way in the end. They just want self-satisfaction, satisfy their own needs.

It sounds so selfish, but sometimes I wish that it wouldn't have to be ME who realize these things. What do I mean by that? I mean by as I realize these flaws, I see that I need to improve and sacrifice towards how I want things to be done. Love my neighbours and my enemies in every circumstances. Myself knowing that people are incapable of change or understand that it's not easy to change their minds to what I want disappoints me. Because, it is after all, you need to change yourself before bringing change to others. It makes me question sometimes, "why is it always me who has to give up my satisfaction, why is it me who always have to change?" I really wished that I didn't understand that concept, so that I won't have to be so hurt or internally struggling. How easier my life would be if I ignored it all, and stuck to my needs being met. Because it is really hard to suppress my selfish thoughts in order to be more caring and understanding of others even to their flaws. 

It makes me feel so frustrated or mad to see myself struggling through things like this. I feel like I'm acting like this because it's most likely the reflection from my walk with God these days. Or perhaps it's like the area where I predicted that I would probably stumble over. Which ever one it is, I wished it was over. I guess I can see it as, I've been thinking it to myself so much that it just grew inside of me. 

There is so much testings of patience in these processes that I need to rely on God for, but I know that I'd rather want a direct answer and comfort right now. How awesome would it be when I can clearly feel the comfort and encouragement from God like as to cry over a friend's shoulder and have she/him sympathize with me at that moment. But the fact is, if I ever told somebody about it, up to what extend would they actually care about my position? How genuine and understanding can one get? How hard is it for myself to have faith in them or trust them? Am I being so selfish of expecting others to listen to my complaints and my thoughts?

I shouldn't be expecting so much from people either. Humans, for myself as well, we are full of flaws, prone to fail, which can be also summed up as sinning. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being so selfish, wishing that people can be like God, unfailing and just so perfect in tangible condition. Having my own expectations and hoping that people would meet them, but in the end I would only be disappointed which isn't good at all. It's like expecting myself to meet people's imaginations of perfect reality, and I fail it because I know I cannot achieve the thoughts of perfection. 

Gosh, I wish it was easy to be selfless. 

One Apple a Day Will Keep the Doctor Away!

I was looking through my photo albums that I have in my computer. And I happened to find a photo that I really like from my own photographies. This Pumpkin patch was taken in Canada, where my family went apple picking. Apples, apples and more apples. I really like apples. I just noticed that. I really miss going apple picking for our Thanksgiving Day tradition as a family. 


Of course, apples are good for health too, according to my blog title. Well, I always assumed that all fruits are good for you, and would most likely keep the evil(in my eyes!) doctors away from me! Yes, there goes my dislikes on hospitals. 


Why am I talking so much about health? I have no idea. I guess it's mostly because my (: is still kind of sick, so the thought of staying healthy is stuck in my head. I can't believe that he's still sick! I think it's time for him to get better now. And also the fact that my nose is giving me bit of trouble for breathing past couple of days. I hope I'm no where near sickness, because that's the last thing I want to deal with as of where I'm positioned right now.


I'm feeling really tired these days. I swear, I slept about 7 hours last night(I even fell asleep), but I was falling asleep throughout both of my classes. What happened? Am I getting stressed these days or something? I don't know the answer for that either.  I just can't wait to finish my summer school now, even though I have to volunteer for the other two weeks at Day Camp. At least day camp with the children are enjoyable.


I am currently looking ahead of the rest of the week or two, and it doesn't look pretty at all. There are so many things to do. All my finals are next week, and filling in spots at church is a lot more work than I thought. I knew this was coming at some point during my summer break. And I see that God has left me in NorCal for a reason, instead of allowing me to go down to Harvest Crusade. I can totally see how much fun and enjoyment I could've had if I chose to go down, but I really feel that God made me stay here for many reasons. I can already predict my stress level going up, but this is all a challenge of persevering through it all right? I don't think I should stress or worry about this already, because God did say that we should not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. I will Trust (:


My brain feels fried. Ugh. 
I shall stop writing.


Ta-ta for now (:

O7.2O.2O1O.

I honestly don't think that my picture above has any reference to my blog right now. But I really like the composition of this picture. Or perhaps I can write some literary imagery to make it happen. I think I shall pull up some creative writing(?) skills haha.

Anyways. Today was very significant&important. (:

6:30am - Woke up and prepped for school

7:30am - First class of the day, Fundamentals of Communications. The class that I always fall asleep. I think the teacher might not like me for that. Most likely he would, because I literally do it everyday now. I would feel the same if I were him. I'm such a "great" student.

12:00pm - Finished with school(getting over the fact that I had my first debate). Went home, had lunch, quickly baked cookies as soon as possible like a ninja! (oh my. haha, how embarrassing)

1:30pm - Headed to SF with mother, because she had to deliver supplies for the mission team. I tagged along to meet up with (: and spend the day together!

2:30pm - Arrived at church. Left church with (: and made worth our time. Rowed boat in Golden Gate Park. I discovered that when it comes to rowing, I fail. Haha! I think I need practice, or I can  stick with the pedal one. Went to Teaway, got chocolate milk tea. It tastes like chocolate milk. It's pretty okay! Drove to the beach, it was all about sit and talk, while enjoying our milk tea. Left the waterfront, and ate Thai food♥ I was kinda sad how my appetite shrank.(that's a whole different story related to my diet) Arrived in Sunnyvale, (: got ice cream, and we drove to the park. Played(?) on the swings, or more like sat around.

9:00pm - "and I knodded, agreed, and said, 'Yes'"

I do realize and understand the importance of committing oneself to a relationship. And it is surely difficult and crazy. I think I can name some possible obstacles just from top of my head. There will be temptations, clashes of ideas, and more. I really want to pray that every choices and actions I take, I want it to reflect on knowledge provided by God. Because we can't even carry our relationship in stable status by ourselves, so it can be really challenging.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen." (1 John 4:18-20)

It says that we are able to love because God loved us first, and we should be thankful for this most important gift granted by God that lasts forever. This verse popped in my head as I was thinking of the new step I took today. Just thankful that we are capable of liking and accepting others the way they are because God does the same with us, loving us first and still does regardless of how sinful we are. Like he says that we don't really love God if we don't reflect love towards our brothers and sisters by not accepting as who they are, and don't try to embrace the flaws. The capability comes from God, and I hope that I'll be able to show that heart toward others.

I was first hesitant of making this choice because of my insecurities and worries from what I fear. After putting trust, now all I fear is that my eyes cannot focus all to God and make it difficult to give him all before anything else. And the same for my partner. Hoping that we won't get so consumed in the relationship part, and really strive for being each other's accountability partner, as we have said to each other. Because I know how much our positive emotions take it so lightly that the real value can be lost. The very first thing that matters, keeping our walks with God healthy before anything else comes in. Because anything we do and say truly reflects from our relationship with God. I hope the books I ordered comes soon to help me to walk this path the right way.

So let's aim our empty/half-filled glass bottles to be completely filled from each other's help. Then, everything will flow naturally. Giving God more than what he asks of us, continuing to surrender everything at his feet.

Stab.

I made myself a cup of tea. (Yeah, it sounds pretty crazy considering that today was awfully hot). After attending college, I started to grow interest to tea. How odd? Yeah, pretty odd. But, I prefer sweetened tea though. Which isn't much healthy haha. I brought it to my computer and I just sat there and started dazing off into my thinking mode again as I was listening to songs.

Recently, something has been lingering in my head for a while. Back when it didn't seem like much, I thought I had it in control so I let it pass by. I didn't know that it would be so disruptive inside my head as I tried to handle it. And I realized that it was getting out of hand was when I saw that it was interrupting my walk with God. My thoughts were always on this subject, slowly turning my focus from God. This is when I realized that I needed to seek God for answer, I needed advice, I needed his words to awaken my heart.

I decided to open up to James and read off from where I left off. I remembered that PJ told us that if we want to take a leap of faith, if we want to seek growth, he suggested us to read the Book of James during the Lock-In Worship. Ever since, I've been trying my best to read James aside from my QT and Psalms. Aside from the random information, what drove me insane is when God literally "stabbed" my heart with his words. I cannot believe how CRAZY it is when his words directly speak to me at this situation. It pierces my heart, making me feel all queasy inside.

From the very beginning it says, "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures" (James 4:1-3). I feel like he was watching me all this time as I was trying to deal with my situation till now. No wonder I wasn't so focused. I didn't turn to God right away when I should have, or when I did tell him in previous day, he clearly saw that my heart wasn't at the right place as I was telling him. I was asking and hoping that he would help me let go of my distraction so that it can still end up as the way I wished it to be, in a healthy way. Gosh, this totally does sound selfish now that I look back at what I said. I absolutely did ask God with a wrong motive. I did not surrender every heart of me and seek for what pleases him. Instead, it was just all about me and my emotions.

I've been returning to tasting bits and pieces of the world, thinking that a little won't hurt. Unfortunately, it gave me a stomach ache and this is when I learn my lesson. He asks that I should submit myself, humble down before God in order to receive the pure and cleansed heart again. There is so much to comprehend of just tasting what makes me happy and let it take in place of God was really stupid of me. I need to ask God to give me a heart where I am able to consider God's thoughts before doing things my way first. It is hard, especially when I do get tempted by the things that any others feel that it's hard to resist.

Even today, I was so tempted to just act upon my instinct, but I was really trying hard to resist from falling back from my realization. Taking a step back from it and really have the time to think about it helped me a lot. I wanted to learn how I should handle these types of situations in God's perspective in the future. So I asked my friend for book suggestions. I am now waiting for it to be delivered in to my hands, so that the teachings would allow me to take a step back from handing things in a worldly perspective.

Lastly, I realized that God really speaks till the very last word in the passage. It was talking about how we shouldn't be talking bad things about our own brothers and sisters in Christ, and how we really have no rights to judge others. God really knew what I was doing alright. I did talk about a complaint about my brother & sister in Christ today to someone. This passage totally guilt tripped me. Just because I think and I know that they are doing something wrong and I criticize and talk bad about it, what more does it solve? I should be turning to God and pray for them even more for His help towards them. Man, who am I to judge if God is the one who is the Lawgiver.

In the end, I am captured by the amazement of how Crazy(in a good way!) God is. I can never doubt him in anyway. I can't deny of how great he is. I was very guilty and ashamed when it all hit me, but realizing that he was doing this because he was thinking and caring about me. Blows me away. He really lifts me up. I really want God to reveal himself more and more so that I can really know who God is from my heart. This amazing and Crazy(!) God, there is so much to him that I want to know. For now, I am going to let God handle my situation, trusting him that however he leads me in this situation is all purposeful and for my own good. He loves me and has a wonderful plan for my life, right? (:

Explanations, Re-discovery.

Fundamentals of Oral Communication, SPCH 10. Who knew that the things I am learning in this class would be so helpful and useful in my life. I think this class is helping me identify myself by looking at the things that shaped me into who I am right now.

Today in class, we talked about how oneself is constructed, and people's different attachment styles. My professor told us that 60~70% of our personality comes from the genetics, and the other forty percent is shaped by the nurture factors. From this, I realized that my shyness and introverted characteristics were passed down from my dad. I should have known haha. But, he tells me that I still have a pretty nice personality for an introvert. I'm wondering if he is telling me the truth, or just encouraging me... Hm...

As for the attachment style, I discovered that I am mainly an "anxious/preocupied," along with secure attachment style. Anxious attachment is basically being clingy(varies by how mild your attachment is)and it seeks high level of intimacy. The secure attachment means that one is comfortable in both intimacy and independence, who is okay with being in relationship or being independent. I can see myself being in both attachments, but I know that the anxious one stands out more than the other from hearing the explanations of why these attachments occur. I know for sure that I don't overly value independence like dismissive attachments, which is good! At least I'm not super cold hearted or be passive about relationships and people.

I knew that I have such personalities, but never knew why I had them or what exactly influenced me to be shaped like this. I found out that anxious attachment is caused due to unpredictable past relationships, which is true. The professor gave us an example where a person who continuously had to form new relationships due to breaking of previous. From my past, my parents were not always there when I was in Korea. I remember when my childhood was mostly spent with my grandma, as my mom told me that she basically raised me when I was little. And my dad wasn't around home throughout my childhood because he was always out of the city or the country for work or educational purpose. Lastly, my whole immigration to Canada, and America, and attending so many different schools where I had to start over again and again plays a great role too. When I was looking back at all this, I remember the crazy emotional and mental stress and struggles that I had to go through. I even have evidence of these struggles from my old writings and blog posts. Pretty depressing readings.

There were so many things about the "self", personalities, and more about ONESELF. I didn't know that we were so influenced by communications and interactions among people in our lives. The discoveries of how I came to be shaped like this from my class really reminded me of the talk I had with Pastor David. He was telling me about this book called "How We Love". He was talking about how his past experiences came back to his present, influencing his actions(I think the story was something like this). But, the suggested book has changed and influenced a lot of how to ask for healing of the past wounds and such. I am going to check this book out soon or later for sure!

I think God is just so amazing that he is also giving me the same opportunity where I learn to accept my past and turn to God for the change and healing. It is really a time for a change, where I am able to surrender and let go of my past and be renewed for the better. I know that I cannot provide a better lifestyle for my future kids if I don't change myself first.

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus"
- Philippians 3:13,14 -

Fix my eyes on Jesus!

Qu'est-ce que tu penses?

Boom! I'm like in a constant thinking mode right now. I am sitting and just gazing at an empty space thinking. The word of God really made me rethink of where I stand right now, and see the new challenges that he has revealed.

There were so many things spoken out tonight. I didn't know that there was just more than the gift of salvation in the meaning of grace. The heart of serving others was another half. Or the fact that emotion was a response that our heart has when we truly come to take in the word of God. And also the concept of death where it was meant to be a good thing from the beginning of time, but we perceive it with the eyes of sin that brings the negativity.

I'm wondering so much about myself right now. I wonder if there were times where I was being fake in taking God's messages. Or the fact that whenever I was serving and doing deeds for others, was it all fake? Did it look like I was trying to do it for myself sake? When I took my Jung's personality test, it told me that I was a ISFJ(Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging), generally called as the provider, guardian, protector. The explanations said that I am naturally driven to help others and do things for them. The question is, were all my good actions come out just because I was always raised to be nice and help others all the time? Because I do know that I have a tug in my heart where I feel that I need to serve and help. But, did the actions look like as if I was trying to look "nice" or "humble"? Am I now just being self conscious about what other people are thinking of me as? There are so many questions to ask myself, and to God.

I think that this was a great opportunity for me to deeply think about my actions and how it reflects God. I think God has really challenged me into critical thinking, not only of my own walk with God, but through the debate questions that we went over today at church. I think that God is trying to strengthen me through these challenges. I am so turning to God and ask to clear my thoughts and answer my questions. I shouldn't be proud of myself, but I'm glad that I'm not being shaken by all these thoughts, instead I'm turning to God straight away. It's nice that I am not in a doubt, but I'm placed in a situation where I just want to thank God even more.

I think it's getting late and now I'm talking Gibberish.
I'll get to sleeping soon (:

Reflection.

Gloom blooms to a shine. That was my day today. This morning I woke up to a dark cloudy sky. It wasn't so welcoming and neither encouraging for me to go to school. I was absolutely swung by the atmosphere and the emotions by the mood from the morning. This hasn't occurred to me in a while and I wasn't no where near expecting it to happen today either.

I got a bit carried away with clinging to my emotions again. I tried to tell myself to get over with feeling all depressed and empty but there was absolutely no progress. I attempted to cheer myself up with music, but my mind totally dived into the music and it was no help at all. So, I decided to read the bible for an answer. And I decided to read the book of James because PJ said that this is the book to read to help me grow more in faith. I happened to pick up from my last reading, where it talks about how we shouldn't be so clingy to other things but Jesus. I remembered when PJ gave us a message on that chapter and specifically told us about how we often become dependent to our emotions. After reading, I realized that whether if it was a coincident or not, His words were still speaking out to me. He was telling me that I was being driven by my emotions and it's definately an area I need to constantly improve on.

When I was reading my QT today, it talked about how the gospel had no meaning to certain ones because they were not listening with faith. And this really stuck out to me because I've been finding myself recently doing what the verse says on my Sundays. Every night before Sunday, I always slept late for my own benefit and pleasure and end up being sleep deprived on the Lord's Day. This really distracted me from hearing God's words and I wasn't able to listen with a faithful heart. I have made another commitment to take a step for my changing process. God says that he doesn't want us to just sit here and ask him to do everything, but we ourselves have to take the initiative. I decided to change my sleeping habit, where I will not sleep no later than 2:00 AM. I'm realizing that this relationship between God and me cannot work one-way, where I only ask and God takes the action. Now I want to take an action for God to show that I care and He really matters a lot to me. I think I did enough flattery with words and be a hypocrite to God by not doing the talking. It's a challenge, a change, and a sacrifice that I'm willing to take. I'm pretty sure this small sacrifice doesn't compare anything close to how much God did for us.

While I was reading the QT passage, what scared me even more was when God said, "They shall never enter my rest" to the ones who are falling short. It's a scary thought how God can reject us because we don't listen. I guess it makes sense for not allowing us to enter into his peaceful presence if we don't obey. But, it is horrific to think about not being able to be with God.

Recently, I'm picking up quite a lot about myself being selfish all the time. This can be proven even in my bad sleeping habits. I was sleeping late for my own fun and not think about God for the next day. Plus, the fact that I get so caught up with thinking about looks, guys(I'm not going to deny), and school is absolutely self centered. Also, Pastor David was explaining to me about how nervousness is caused by selfish thoughts. Selfish thoughts that consists of worrying about what other people might think of me when I make a mistake and such.

As I'm currently reading Crazy Love, the idea of how we as christians become so selfish about prioritizing worldly needs rather than God hit me a lot. The book explains that as we take on our selfish paths, then we would end up being luke-warm Christians that God will spit out from his mouth. The book also had a self checklist of where I stand as a luke-warm Christian. I knew that I would be at times luke-warm, but didn't know how bad of a luke-warm person I am. The worse part is that I was/(and still) am being passive about such a serious issue. Where did my readings from the QT saying that I need to set my eyes on Jesus everyday? What happened to all the great words that God has spoken to me? I truly need to snap out of being so comfortable in being part of the world and find motivation in God for a change.

I just had so much to catch up with God today. But, I'm glad that I was able to. Listening to His words and having that opportunity to talk to him really does give me comfort and assurance. And I am going to take that faith into action, and show God appreciations that he deserved that I haven't done in a while.

Waiting.

Patience is one of the hardest characteristics to develop, for me at least. I am in the process of developing and who knows how long it will take. I know that everyday and somehow I am being tested with my patience. I can see them clearly too. Biggest challenge is the time frame of the Summer 2010. That is a big and an obvious example I can find. Within that time being, small clashes such as dealing with certain people or situation is a total given.

I remembered how frustrated and upset I got (and maybe still am) every time I had to face these problems. As usual, I would try to look for people to talk to make me more comfortable. Yesterday was a perfect example. I felt like I needed sympathy towards my situations, but truly God has spoken to me yesterday. "Do not rely on your emotions or people around you, but solely to God. Be Clingy to God". It really made me look back at my day and the week. I felt convicted and ashamed for almost falling for the temptation of seeking others before God. Yet, I was really glad that God is here to tell me my wrong doings and is willing to straighten up my path. How awesome is that. God got my back (:

Past days I got to learn and understand more about God, of how faithful and merciful he is. Regardless of the disobedient behaviours that people have performed in the past, he kept on speaking to his people. He never ceased because he was faithful to them till the end. And today, I was reading Psalms 78 and it revealed so much about how merciful he was to his people in the past. His people kept on testing the Lord, and never thanked or praised him for what he has done for them, ❝ Yet he was merciful; he forgave their iniquities and did not destroy them. Time after time he restrained his anger and did not stir up his full wrath❞(Psalm 78:38). That just blew me away as I was reading it in the car waiting and brought many questions in my mind. It made me wonder why these people were testing God? I thought that it was the silliest thing to do! God even showed them his wrath, but they still did it till the end. But, the point is that he was still patient and didn't bring them all to death. I have yet so much to learn.

I am slowly grasping the idea that I need my own disciplining. It was such a blessing to have all the accountability partners, bible studies, and prayer meetings throughout the year in college. However, when it comes to being apart from all that, there is really only me and God left on the road. As I have encountered Summer 10, I realized that all those wonderful opportunities will not be always provided in life. I have to understand the fact that this is all a learning process to being more disciplined and mature. I am gradually seeking God more through prayer and his words, and it's surely not from my "must do them because I'm a Christian" or "I need to do them because it's a habit to me now", like the past. There is a desire in one's heart for more and a heart that wants to cry out in order to be heard. I feared that my spiritual walk would hit the slope down as the summer passes by, but what do you know. There is change occurring throughout climbing this high and challenging mountain. I really hope that this is not only going to make me better, but really put a smile on God and make him proud. Because he deserved it from very beginning of time.

God is Good, All the Time.