Oh wait, I'm running right now. What was I thinking? I have got to stop daydreaming while running this race. I am looking around me and it seems like my daydreams had drifted me away from my present time. Everything that was surrounding me had changed, and of course, time had stepped away in to the past with the surroundings. This town appears to me like the same town that I ran through previously, but the little details are screaming out no to me. That's odd. Where am I right now and how long has it been since I paid attention to my pathway?
I feel so overwhelmed with this uncomfortable realization. I can hear my breathing thickening as I take more strides ahead. I can feel my leg muscles tightening more and more every time my feet comes in contact to the ground. And my heart had initiated everything with its rapid heartbeats. And not to forget that small glimpses of this new environment that I'm witnessing is making my heart drop down to my stomach, just pounding at it every so often. Why..?
I think I am getting nervous and being in fear about everything right now, especially about school. I thought that I had portfolio under control, I was content with where our church was at the moment, and I thought that my relationships with people would remain the same since there was nothing wrong. But clearly, I spoke too loud and proud, and I was wrong. I am currently really freaking about portfolio inside and that is what is thumping in my heart the most. I thought that the prospering days are finally arriving in our EM ministry, but it took the detour instead. And surely distancing away from people thinking that everything will remain the same when I come back was not the reality.
I am seriously so weak, and I don't know what has gotten into me to think that I was actually capable of running this race on my own. I am finding myself in front of the mirror more worn-out and tired as the days walk by. Time had already come and walked past my footsteps and now it's too late to catch them all back to use them when I needed it. I really thought I was capable of having everything under control and finish with a medal of success in the end. Oh how prideful am I. Why did I let go of my partner's hand and when did I even let go of the hand?
Getting caught up in daydreaming had blinded me and only pulled me into it deeper and deeper. I was dreaming of that day, when my ears will be filled with congratulations and praises. I kept on dreaming and thinking ahead and not let my actions catch up. I am constantly being afraid that if I don't achieve it all in the end, I'll be a failure and become lost in terms of my future plans. I just couldn't help myself step back. I just felt that if I keep going at it, then maybe I can do it after all. Again, answer was no. Then I turned aside and saw my partner. Then I realized that I was getting too prideful, thinking that I can finish the race when I needed the help of my partner all along.
My physical state is telling me that I need my partner, my one and only loving Father God, who can help me by my side to take steps with additional strength. I really know now that I can't run this race by myself and God is the only one who can. So, now I'm going to take His hands again and run towards all the reward. I'm going to try again this time with God and I'm going to make sure that everything I hoped for will reach that finish line because God is in control and He is my strength.
