What good is it when I feel quite "up-to-my head" today. And only to think of my thoughts, get lost in them, and find myself being dissatisfied or upset at them. Being too passive? Lack of expression? Perhaps. I can't deny the fact though.
Let me just simply state this. I felt quite crappy today. No lie. I didn't think of it as much throughout the day, but it came to conclusion at night due to thoughts exploring my head. Do I feel like crap because I've been thinking about junk? or was I just being crap overall? I don't know. I wished I didn't have to figure this out though. But for now, let me just splurge every little pieces that just stirred me up today. Okay. Let me splurge it ALL out in honest condition. I feel so freaken stressed right now. For what? I don't know. For no reason? Most likely not. Just so mentally and emotionally stressed. Crap. It's like at that point up to where my emotions would trickle down. Why am I so stupid.
Sometimes I hate how much I'm such a people pleaser. I feel like I take other people's concerns and pointings directed to me, of how I've been doing something wrong. I think I basically take these concerns and hypnotize myself that I'm wrong. I've really pondered about it today. Everytime people complain about me, I simply correct myself and do what they expected me to be or atleast I try my best to be one without/least complaints. I've realized how much this thought has piled up on me. I do so much to please them, yet they are still not satisfied. I feel like I'm pouring everything towards one way, but I am not getting anything in return. It's not a negotiation, but rather, "You are right, I'm wrong. Let me fix my thoughts about it so that you can be happy again".
I think that I'm more upset at the fact that when people don't understand as they point out the wrongs of others, they don't bother or take the least consideration of the other's position. They cannot see that they are also being impatient and inconsiderate of others as they are stating their arguments. And they are only emphasizing their opinions, believing that they are right so that they can get everything their way in the end. They just want self-satisfaction, satisfy their own needs.
It sounds so selfish, but sometimes I wish that it wouldn't have to be ME who realize these things. What do I mean by that? I mean by as I realize these flaws, I see that I need to improve and sacrifice towards how I want things to be done. Love my neighbours and my enemies in every circumstances. Myself knowing that people are incapable of change or understand that it's not easy to change their minds to what I want disappoints me. Because, it is after all, you need to change yourself before bringing change to others. It makes me question sometimes, "why is it always me who has to give up my satisfaction, why is it me who always have to change?" I really wished that I didn't understand that concept, so that I won't have to be so hurt or internally struggling. How easier my life would be if I ignored it all, and stuck to my needs being met. Because it is really hard to suppress my selfish thoughts in order to be more caring and understanding of others even to their flaws.
It makes me feel so frustrated or mad to see myself struggling through things like this. I feel like I'm acting like this because it's most likely the reflection from my walk with God these days. Or perhaps it's like the area where I predicted that I would probably stumble over. Which ever one it is, I wished it was over. I guess I can see it as, I've been thinking it to myself so much that it just grew inside of me.
There is so much testings of patience in these processes that I need to rely on God for, but I know that I'd rather want a direct answer and comfort right now. How awesome would it be when I can clearly feel the comfort and encouragement from God like as to cry over a friend's shoulder and have she/him sympathize with me at that moment. But the fact is, if I ever told somebody about it, up to what extend would they actually care about my position? How genuine and understanding can one get? How hard is it for myself to have faith in them or trust them? Am I being so selfish of expecting others to listen to my complaints and my thoughts?
I shouldn't be expecting so much from people either. Humans, for myself as well, we are full of flaws, prone to fail, which can be also summed up as sinning. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being so selfish, wishing that people can be like God, unfailing and just so perfect in tangible condition. Having my own expectations and hoping that people would meet them, but in the end I would only be disappointed which isn't good at all. It's like expecting myself to meet people's imaginations of perfect reality, and I fail it because I know I cannot achieve the thoughts of perfection.
Gosh, I wish it was easy to be selfless.
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