Stab.

I made myself a cup of tea. (Yeah, it sounds pretty crazy considering that today was awfully hot). After attending college, I started to grow interest to tea. How odd? Yeah, pretty odd. But, I prefer sweetened tea though. Which isn't much healthy haha. I brought it to my computer and I just sat there and started dazing off into my thinking mode again as I was listening to songs.

Recently, something has been lingering in my head for a while. Back when it didn't seem like much, I thought I had it in control so I let it pass by. I didn't know that it would be so disruptive inside my head as I tried to handle it. And I realized that it was getting out of hand was when I saw that it was interrupting my walk with God. My thoughts were always on this subject, slowly turning my focus from God. This is when I realized that I needed to seek God for answer, I needed advice, I needed his words to awaken my heart.

I decided to open up to James and read off from where I left off. I remembered that PJ told us that if we want to take a leap of faith, if we want to seek growth, he suggested us to read the Book of James during the Lock-In Worship. Ever since, I've been trying my best to read James aside from my QT and Psalms. Aside from the random information, what drove me insane is when God literally "stabbed" my heart with his words. I cannot believe how CRAZY it is when his words directly speak to me at this situation. It pierces my heart, making me feel all queasy inside.

From the very beginning it says, "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures" (James 4:1-3). I feel like he was watching me all this time as I was trying to deal with my situation till now. No wonder I wasn't so focused. I didn't turn to God right away when I should have, or when I did tell him in previous day, he clearly saw that my heart wasn't at the right place as I was telling him. I was asking and hoping that he would help me let go of my distraction so that it can still end up as the way I wished it to be, in a healthy way. Gosh, this totally does sound selfish now that I look back at what I said. I absolutely did ask God with a wrong motive. I did not surrender every heart of me and seek for what pleases him. Instead, it was just all about me and my emotions.

I've been returning to tasting bits and pieces of the world, thinking that a little won't hurt. Unfortunately, it gave me a stomach ache and this is when I learn my lesson. He asks that I should submit myself, humble down before God in order to receive the pure and cleansed heart again. There is so much to comprehend of just tasting what makes me happy and let it take in place of God was really stupid of me. I need to ask God to give me a heart where I am able to consider God's thoughts before doing things my way first. It is hard, especially when I do get tempted by the things that any others feel that it's hard to resist.

Even today, I was so tempted to just act upon my instinct, but I was really trying hard to resist from falling back from my realization. Taking a step back from it and really have the time to think about it helped me a lot. I wanted to learn how I should handle these types of situations in God's perspective in the future. So I asked my friend for book suggestions. I am now waiting for it to be delivered in to my hands, so that the teachings would allow me to take a step back from handing things in a worldly perspective.

Lastly, I realized that God really speaks till the very last word in the passage. It was talking about how we shouldn't be talking bad things about our own brothers and sisters in Christ, and how we really have no rights to judge others. God really knew what I was doing alright. I did talk about a complaint about my brother & sister in Christ today to someone. This passage totally guilt tripped me. Just because I think and I know that they are doing something wrong and I criticize and talk bad about it, what more does it solve? I should be turning to God and pray for them even more for His help towards them. Man, who am I to judge if God is the one who is the Lawgiver.

In the end, I am captured by the amazement of how Crazy(in a good way!) God is. I can never doubt him in anyway. I can't deny of how great he is. I was very guilty and ashamed when it all hit me, but realizing that he was doing this because he was thinking and caring about me. Blows me away. He really lifts me up. I really want God to reveal himself more and more so that I can really know who God is from my heart. This amazing and Crazy(!) God, there is so much to him that I want to know. For now, I am going to let God handle my situation, trusting him that however he leads me in this situation is all purposeful and for my own good. He loves me and has a wonderful plan for my life, right? (: