*sighs

I have to say, time flies by absolutely fast. As I woke up this morning and looked at my calander, I saw that I was only 4 days away from my move-in day. I couldn't believe it for myself as I looked at it. This friday, I'll be driving down to South California with my dad to move in to Cal State Long Beach for college. This is a pretty big deal for me. Another chapter unfolding before my eyes. Apparently, I am not looking forward to it as much as i thought i would. I've realized that there are so many things and people that I'm leaving behind 6 hours away from me. I know I'll be coming back home once in a while, but it's just not the same anymore. Trying to vision what I haven't experienced is a lot scarier than I thought. Right now, i feel that all I'm thinking about are the fear from uncertainty and a bit of regret that I'll be apart from everything that made me who I am.



While preparing for my move out, the point that I hate leaving hit me again. I guess I am just not used to saying goodbyes, leaving people behind, seeing departure for myself. I know i had to face moving out from Korea to immigrate to Canada, move to different elementary schools, attend a totally different district high school aside from my friends, and move from Canada to USA for dad's job. Also, during middle schoool, I lost my grandmother and it really brought a lot of pain in my heart. I also had my church member's dad passing away, others diagnosed with Cancer. My Grand-Uncle passed away about a year ago. Why are there so many departures and process of leaving in life. It really questions me why there are such words as good-bye's. Even though I'm only leaving temporarily for school, the distance between friends and family is too great to think about. I don't like being apart from my loved ones. I miss them too much. I think I had enough crying and gloom in my life. It might not sound as serious or crazy incidents like others might have gone through, but it affects me a lot like any others would feel.

I'm hoping for the best of everything. I don't think I'm ready to say goodbye and leave my comfort zone, but I guess it's life.

douleur -

The world seems so careless.
It looks so sad and painful.
Myself can't be a hypocrypt.
I become so careless and selfish.
Its just too automatic

It hurts.
I also see the frustration reflected.
Glance at myself in the mirror.
I stare. Unclear view of the world.
Fear, lost, anxiety.
what more can I see.
I hope to wash it away.
Hopeless tears waiting to take its
turn to fall away.

Heart aches, melancholy takes over.

The world has gotten into my head.

Why worry so much. Why think too much.

Tears apart.

Infliction of inner pain.

Crying out so hard but nobody can hear.

Crumbling, breaking down.

I need to seek out.
I want to. Everytime I take a look
I desire change. Yet no action occurs.
No one else can mend my heart like you do.
I want that remedy. I need the love.
Why do I live like this.
God, take this pain off my shoulder.
Remove the pain from my heart.
It hurts, it feels so lonely and useless.
gloom and sorry creeping over.
Save me.
Let me have my heart back in place for you.