August 30th.

I like to borrow pictures from Flikr (:

Today was the first day of school/classes of Fall 1O. On the move-in day, I was so upset to be back at school, or more like being back in South California in general. I guess my emotions got the best of me, feeling so upset that I wanted to disagree with moving on in life. 

Coincidentally, or more like obviously my birthday happened to lay on the same day as the first day of school. As people might know already, I don't like making my birthday as a big deal or celebrating it like as if it was so special. I think it's generally due to my dislikes of being the center of attention, having the whole crowed just so focused on me feels so odd and uncomfortable in a sense. I also have a guess at myself that I don't like celebrating my birthday as much is because I really never do for the majority of the time. It always clashed with school timing, or I ended up moving so often (homes, schools, countries). So I think I took it as a 'not much of a big deal' because I never received it as one. But that doesn't mean that I'm lacking attention or craving for that extra attention for birthdays. I'm totally fine and cool about it. And I think that it's just better now to celebrate it small and quiet because that's how I like it now. Hm, now that I look back, I'm wondering if this is what I built up as my defense mechanism...

Regardless of my own observations, I think God was truly showing and expressing his love through the people around me. Whether it'd be from a simple phone call, a beautiful drawing, heart-filled writings, or gifts, they all mean something. I didn't want anything or expected anything to occur, but I'm assuming that God still expresses his love somehow to me. I did feel it and I'm thankful of it. But I didn't feel like I deserved it. I don't know.

There is so much unstableness inside. Is it because of the start of school-ing? The stress and dissatisfaction of the outcome of my expectation/plans? I don't know. But I feel like I'm heading back down the road instead of the other way. I was afraid that something like this would happen through another transition/change. Why can't things just go along the same routine to be simple? I fail from straying away from fear. And I do know that this time, I wasn't dealing it as I have done in the last situation. I'm quite disappointed in myself. I'm actually disappointed in myself for a lot of reasons recently. So many things going through my head, it's getting annoying and I am absolutely being affected by it.

God has been speaking and is speaking to me now. I can see it, but I think I'm assuring myself that I can come back soon and listen. I'm lagging on it. Ugh. Right now, I do know that God is my priority, he comes first before anything else. I should pay attention to him before I see the world with my eyes again. But right now, that mindset isn't really clicking and helping me to focus regardless. It's a lot more frustrating when I see it, but my heart isn't following it because of what my mind is going through. This is so frustrating. And nothing has made anything better, nor my actions towards others.