All for a Reason

It's so hard when the walls are crumbling down, and things start dripping from the very top. It's inevitable that pain, hurt, sadness will creep along, tag along for a while. And right now I cannot say more, but to express the pain inflicted from the heart due to all the emotions whirling in my head and my heart.  

It takes as long to grow out of love, as much from growing into love. From the intimacy of understandings, emotions, physicality to many more, it's not easy to forcefully detach or separate yourself from what you've had and shared. And to feel absolutely fine right away is surely impossible or difficult. But it's definitely something that has to be done and to be dealt with.


This trip/portion of my life has been really something, and I realize now for sure that it happened all for a reason from God. At first, the whole fact that everything came to a sudden conclusion by God was shocking itself and it all went up to my head, not having enough time to really think. 
It really made me so upset, sad, felt that God was being so unfair, and just made me want to be more selfish than ever by thinking that make improvements would really solve things as I would pursue what I want. The thoughts are still lingering that maybe the sacrifice isn't necessary nor needed.


But the situation opened different perspectives. It started from the part of opening up to people to learning to understand the will/plan of God. I'm not the one who would freely come out of the closet to share what's going on in my mind straight up, clearly, and all out. I decided to step out to speak my mind as the opportunity has been provided, I was able to grow more depth of the friendship that I have with my friend. It gave me another realization that there is so much more than just knowing of the friend, but really know them through genuine and open conversations. And I was able to take a step into it by sharing of current, past situations, troubleshoots, or simple discussions. So much encouragement from a friend you can get, especially from God. It was also an opportunity of seeing a new, or more likely a side of the friend that I never really thought about. It's surely another blessing to notice that a friendship can be much more meaningful rather than the shallowness that we start off from.


The talk I had with my friend surely helped me see the bright side of my life, God. What God initially planned for me, where or how he wants to use me or just to show me that this happened for a reason and it's a given opportunity. All these ideas do make sense and it's how my life should be seen as rather than trying to vision it to satisfy and to meet expectations for my life. I believe that it's always uncertain in our eyes of God's absolute will and it only leads us to trust him to remain faithful. 


There are possibilities why God has brought this to me. He is using this opportunity to really allow me to embrace a better fellowship and relationship with my brother/sister in Christ. It is true that if we come to think that we've really never spent time or talked with our fellow brother/sister in Christ before we discover interest. Perhaps we still can be supportive and accountable in Christ, and not letting it fall apart to nowhere, showing bad examples to ones around us. It is true that personal relationships aren't the only way to support each other. There is so much more of what God can establish. 


It is also an awakening of our instability of our relationship with God, that many Christians are just not ready for a relationship amongst ourselves before having a firm one with God. To see how much God can be jealous when we do put more idols before him. It is true that what we find satisfaction can take over God's position and we start to need it. It is so clear to me now that a lot of us are not quite ready for relationships if we really deeply think into it.


Through so much pain, breaking me down and more, God has really shown me of who I am. It was a time where I was able to look back at myself and evaluate who I am and see the things I need to change. You don't realize or get a sense of who you really are unless you are the outsider looking in. It is hard to trying to look in when you are already inside and get a full sense. But when there is someone who walks or accompany you, and the observations reveal and speak of who you are. 


I didn't notice as much of how I take so much pride because it was so silent. But really seeing of how much I cannot accept my own mistakes, do not like admitting faults, try to cover my faults to make myself seem perfect, and always want to be perceived perfect in people's eyes to satisfy them and to feel satisfied from their acceptance showed me that this is all because of my pride. I just couldn't accept myself that I'm like others, humans that make mistakes all the time and it's okay because it's absolutely normal and God accepts it all. It was a hard concept of me to accept, but having things occur because of it or hearing about it was a new perspective of who I am. 


And if I am like this to people, I'm pretty sure pride takes over places where God can/should. 
It was an eye opener from God, and the need of change will occur soon and through God. I'm hoping for the best that I will able to take initiative, not stay passive about it and seek God for change. The change will be beneficial for the future as well. 


It does help me when I try to see it in God's perspective. Knowing that God is putting me through this for the better of me. He only knows who will walk in that ally at a church and he will provide the perfect one for me. Having hopes that God does listen to us and give what's the best, who knows if it will be the people from my past, now, ones I still have yet to meet, or even maybe people I've already walked in relationships with. I think it's more important to have hopes in God than people, a lot of hopes that I can trust God in all things. 


For now, I can't lie to myself that it's hard. I didn't know that it's so difficult to detach myself, or get use to the fact that I'm one whole now by being on my own. As stupid and silly as it sounds, it hits me the most in the morning as I wake up. Before it used to interfere a lot with my daily activities and such. But I'm trying my best to distract myself by keeping myself really busy to not think about it. It is so inevitable that practically everything reminds me of memories and can get drawn in to it. I'll probably be tad bit out of it a lot of times, but time and space will make it better soon enough. I think I'll be alright soon, sooner than I think. I'll have to see.