I hate it when my expectations are never met or when planned things don't follow up as it is planned. This is what's happening with my winter break so far. I know, I know that it's been only a week, but I don't think I got anything accomplished from my Winter wish list. I got back home last week tuesday, being able to go home faster than anyone of my friends back at school. It's an absolute blessing to be back so soon and setting a distance away from school work. However, when I made a list of things to do and accomplish over the break and it's not going the way I desired. This is going to totally mess me up. I'm going to be so impatient and mad. I hate it when I become such person because I reflect my emotions through my actions and it doesn't come out pretty.The holiday season should be sharing love, which is to give and sacrifice to others around you (from the sermon today). I am not sure if I am thinking about or centering myself too much for this holiday break right now. My mind is in a state where it cannot handle anything. I need a true break, a day where I sit around and daze off, wasting my time away. I miss those days. "Time is precious," well-known statement, but right now that time is not acting precious.
I'm looking back at a small portion of my recent life and I'm catching these little flaws, and dislikes. Living in SoCal for school and back in NorCal for home life makes me feel like I'm living in two lives. Having to deal with school people and these uncomfortable atmospheres all the time gets myself disappointed. Not being able to socialize well with others, get along with others, or seeing myself creating awkward atmospheres are so ugly to look at and to live through. Thinking that being back home would make my situation better and comforting were wrong too. I guess my empty presence created a gap between people which makes another awkward situation. Expecting people to treat me better, or back to how it used to be would be impossible with the changes now. I'm sitting in my seat, telling myself that I am incapable of thinking like others or I'm a coward and an awkward person that seem to stick out in a social gathering. And then people looks at me thinking that I'm looking like a loner and they feel sorry for me. So they end up walking up to me and tries to start conversations with me. I can never tell whether they are being sympathetic or actually being compassionate, which ends up making me feel worse about myself thinking that these people are treating me this way for the sake of feeling sorry for me. I do not understand why I am the way I am.
Currently, I need a shoulder to cry on. Why? I don't know, for no reason. The tears are unceasing its way out. Sometimes it's really hard to tell myself to talk to God when I am just so depressed. Because of my strong human perspective, the emotional thoughts makes me reach out for earthly and human objects at the moment. It's just hard to cry out and ask for a quick compassionate response, especially for an impatient girl like me. Hate it when i don't get things out immediately. I don't know what God is telling me through all this. Maybe this is reflecting the result from my laziness with my walk with God from the past week or perhaps he is telling me to change to be more patient and such.
Enough with complaining about my life. I need to get back.
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