Bonjour ma vie

　
2 weeks ago. I said goodbye. It was done. Finished. Over.
I turned back to my life and tried to live my friday like any
other regular days that I had in my life. Couple of minutes later,
something was dripping out of my eyes. Tears. Why?. I questioned.
It made no sense to me. I was walking around the mall with my
unreasonable face. Couldn't understand it. What was wrong with me?
I thought that it was one of those typical breakdown situations.
Then I ignored my emotions.I left it that way.

atleast for a while-

Looking back again once in a while, checking how well he was doing.
I was apparently living right, unaware of my emotions.
Pain, gloom, disappointment, longing, sadness is what I picked up.
It felt horrible. Knowing that I hurt a person. Never done it in my life.
Felt guilty to the bottom of a deep well. Couldn't have felt any worse.
I kept on looking back to see the progress. Better? Worse?
I don't know.

More to find out in time.
And guess what I found out.

I saw myself checkin the computer everyday, opening websites every second.
The girl who refused to excessive computer access on weekdays, stuck on
it like an addict. This wasn't the first time. I recognized it from somewhere.
Canada. When I was so into "BOB". Panic and sadness rushed in. Just
realized something. That I am the stupid one. What a loser I am.

Regretting. haha. After seeing everything, I interpreted that he got over it.
I can't say that for sure, but you know, he seems fine. Which made me even
more sad. Knowing that I long for him now after breaking him.
My heart cried out for rainfall. I only made the decision as a rushed out
feeling from all the stress that I've been piled up from. SAT, applications,
tests, hw, church. And the distance probably made it even worse as well.
Gosh, I was stupid. Now that everything is practically over, I feel so
empty and heartless.
stupid stupid stupid allison.

I think I deserve this pain. After all, he probably felt the same
when I striked it on him. I can't ask for my reappearance in his life now.
Then I become that same selfish girl again. Doing what I want to do,
not being honestand trying to put everything my way.
I'm scared of even trying anyways. Constantly visioning what everyone
would think of me as. A player, loser, idiot. His family would
probably see me as the girl that messes around with their son. And
plus. He is so over it. Perfectly fine without me in his life. HE probably lost that
value that I still see him as.

Ya. I am the selfish one alright. I've done nothing for him.
I always received. Now I want to give everything back.too late though. haha.
I might as well as stick myself under my blankets and stay depressed for a while.
That sounds fun. hahhaha. I guess I'll either wait for a miracle to happen or
just let time heal me...?

UGGHH. enough for now.
still stressin over everything. what are you doing allison!!!!
FINALS NEXT WEEK and your worst subject PHYSICS is waiting for you to take
the test tomorrow. This just makes me want to cry more. Somebody save me.
GOSH.