Non-Merry Christmas

I hate living in California. California is the "Dream State" that anybody would just love to visit and live. I don't like it just because I miss everyone in Canada, but it's just something I cannot handle in life. It's too different compared to what everything was. School, the Systems, and People too. What tha heck am I suppose to do. Sit here, do nothing for the rest of my life? I really see no future in me. I suppose I never saw any glimpse of my future anywhere in my life. Anyways. Today is December. Tomorrow is december as well. 24days from now, it will be the amazing day, the day that Christ was born. The spirit of Christmas, it just disappeared. No snow, No tree, No presents, No nothing. I really believe that 2007 was the best and the worst year I ever had in my life. What is this. It's Christmas holiday season. My family has no spirit. My parents actually bring our spirits down.


I miss the white Christmas. California doesn't have the atmosphere of Holiday. It just ruins it. and I absolute it HATE it. I always had funny dreams. This dream I had last night, it wasn't only funny(odd) but it made me all sad. I was at home. I don't know how I got the money from my parents, but I bought my own tickets to Toronto. The images of the airplane ride and arriving was just a blur to me. Next thing I new, I was at my school, Agincourt Collegiate Institute. I was holding a bouquet, smiling so happy. I think it was the beginning of lunch. I was about to head to the cafeteria from in front of the main office, and then I see these group of people yelling, "look! it's ALLISON!" They all rushed and crowded around me. I felt so relieved and it felt like home. Where everything I had came back to me. The people who really cares about me are actually there. We walked around the school. We were talking for a long time, until lunch was over. Suddenly, the scene changed. One thing I saw, was my parents. I realized that I am back at home. I was paying my parents the money that I used for the airplane ticket. My return in Canada just disappeared in a second. My fewseconds of happiness gone. When I woke up, I couldn't feel more disappointed. My mind was just empty. Everything I dreamed, it was a dream. That killed me.I do wish that I can live a fantasy life, where people, anyone doesn't have to feel hurt or disappointment. The reality does nothing but draws my tear out. Im really homesick. I want to go back. Everything I have. I don't want it. Fansy American life, Anybody can take it. I am totally willing to give it up.


I always say that. I never take any action. I just don't have the courage to do anything. I never had a courage to tell him, I never had the courage to stand up and to speak up my true opinions rather than lies. What can I do. I just don't know what to do anymore.